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7 ways to stop hating your spouse

Posted on 01. Jul, 2009 by alisa in marriage advice

photo credit: David13Or
Anger prevents us from acting like our best selves. Our spouse does something. We get mad. Okay, like really mad. Like never been madder at anything ever before in creation.

And we know that this anger is not good. Noooo, not good, because good things usually don’t happen when anger is around. Anger is what triggers all of those regretful things that we are embarrassed to admit that we’ve ever done, things like chasing our naked spouse around the house with a butter knife. Things like that.

You do, of course, need to talk about it. You need to work it out. You need to come to an understanding.

But the angry time is not the time to do it. So how do you calm down so you can talk like the normal grownup that you usually are? Here are some easy tips:

1. Look in the mirror. Then ask yourself, out loud, “Is this the person I want to be? Am I acting like the person that I want to be?” Usually, if you are really mad, the answer is a big fat no.

2. Do some jumping jacks. It will burn off some of the stress hormones in your system. Squat thrusts will work, too, as will sprints up and down the block.

3. Write a rant. Open email. Address it to your spouse. Rant and curse away. Get really creative with your put-downs. Call her or him the worst adjectives your mind can conjure up. Then delete the email and talk face to face, minus the cursing.

4. Eat something. Sometimes anger surfaces because we’re really hungry. In my house, we call this, “Hunger Emergency!” It can also surface when you are tired. Or sick. In those cases, self-care is what you need. Eat. Sleep. Take Tylenol.

5. Pull out the vibrator (or any other helpful tool). It’s nearly impossible to be angry just after an orgasm. You can fantasize about having sex with someone else, just to stick it to your spouse if you want. Whatever works. Get it out of your system.

6. Remind yourself that your spouse loves you. It’s really true. Also, remind yourself that your spouse doesn’t act like a jackass on purpose. Your spouse doesn’t annoy you on purpose. Your spouse doesn’t make your life more difficult on purpose. Seriously. She or he doesn’t. Your spouse does stupid things for one reason: he or she doesn’t know any better. Keep saying it over and over again: my spouse doesn’t know any better. The anger will fade.

7. Get at the source. Anger surfaces when we 1) are disappointed (we wanted something, but we didn’t get it) 2) are thwarted (we didn’t get our way). If you can get to the source of why you are angry, the feeling will ebb.

Alisa Bowman offers free marriage advice and help at projecthappilyeverafter.com.

Tags: marriage advice, marriage help